Judging art is, by it’s very nature, a subjective endeavor. Anyone who says they can look at any work, no matter the medium, on a purely objective basis is either A) a liar, or B) someone you probably don’t wanna find yourself stuck in a conversation with at a dinner party. Art should not be held to any singular scale to determine it’s merit. To have such a black and white view of the world, is to ignore vital elements of emotion, of context and artistic integrity. It’s a dishonor to the art, and the artist. To do this, you might as well just surrender the world of creativity and true expression, to the cold, unforgiving and unyielding world of artificial intelligence.

Also, Alestorm made a song about a girl with really big boobs. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

Alestorm is now (in the United States) legal to drink, this being their 21st year of existence. Hard to believe! But it’s kind of poignant. A band that has spent it’s developmental years with the nearly impossible task of being taken seriously while also spearheading the very niche and subjective Pirate Metal subgenre, now find themselves true veterans of the scene and, for the sake of this comparison, fully self-aware adults. If this band was ever trying to actually being taken seriously, The Thunderfist Chronicles is doing nearly everything possible to ensure listeners know that was never the point. The vast majority of this album is so, SO dumb, and it would be so stupid if it were any other way.

Sure, opener “Hyperion Omniriff” may carry a more aggressive tone than perhaps we’ve become accustomed to from these Scots of recent, but the earworm chorus including the line “… are you a c#*t, or do you. Drink. Rum??” should be more than enough to dissuade anyone from thinking these guys are suddenly becoming philosophical in their old age. And sure, the band puts some growth and evolution on display by further blending their Folk/Pirate metal roots with more modern, bombastic riffs and drum work, not to mention further embracing club-friendly electronic elements that only serve to drive home the point that Alestorm is more than comfortable appealing to a wider audience, making the outrageous party they’re hosting that much more an inclusive and massive an event, a point driven even further by the absolutely ridiculous “Banana,” an ode to Banana Daiquiris and drinking rum and all things piracy with fully integrated EDM elements and more liberal use of C-Bombs throughout to land an even more immediate buzzworthy impact. It’s a song that would just as easily become a TikTok trend as it would become the party anthem of the next 10,000 Tons of Metal cruise and, you know what? I’m here for every second of it. Bring on the fruity, tropical drinks.

And I mean, come on. “Killed to Death by Piracy” and the absolutely stupid “Mountains of the Deep” (it’s the one about the big boobs) are absolute bangers in every essence of the word. Is there clever songwriting at play? Absolutely! Are there actual displays of legitimate musicianship on display? Sure! I guess? Honestly, who cares?? I’m having such a ball banging my head to songs about large-chested women and living the free-wheeling life of a pirate, AND it’s all helping me escape the harsher realities of my actual life to such a successful degree that hearing some of the more intricate progressive elements of a Nekrogoblikon cover in “Goblins, Ahoy!” (what an insane sentence to write) and blistering riffs of “Frozen Piss 2” (seriously what the fuck even is this?) are just bonus points on top of this gem of an album. Hell, the 17-minute “Mega-Supreme Treasure of the Eternal Thunderfist” is pretty much as epic a Sabaton song as you’ve ever heard, with not even a quarter of the level of seriousness. I think that’s incredible. I think that deserves all of our applause and admiration.

So like, I dunno man? What do you want me to tell you? In all likelihood, you’re already either fully on board with The Thunderfist Chronicles  or you want absolutely fucking nothing to do with it. To be fair, either opinion is valid and I totally get why this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But subjectively, you’re lame if it’s not. This is really fun. Have more fun in your life before we all get bombed into oblivion or whatever other fresh hell this world has cooking up for us. Live your secret pirate fantasies and get on board.

[Visit the band's website]

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