Satanic Tea Co
A Celestial Beating EP

With a name like Satanic Tea Co, it must be good, right? Well, I’m here to tell you that without a doubt, A Celestial Beating is a massive EP wrapped in an adorably evil box. It’s a small box, to be sure, 13.63 minutes of Brutal Death Metal that feels like a much bigger album than just an EP. Can I get three hundred-plus words out of thirteen minutes? Well, I’m going to try. I had to take a typing test for a shitty call center job a few years back and I discovered I can type thirty words a minute. I ended up hating that job, but I have been writing since I was sixteen so I’m not too awfully worried about my language skills.

A Celestial Beating is the debut for this crazy bunch of players: Crucifix- vocals, Khorne- guitar, Oro- guitar, Zodd- bass, and Belial- drums. Serving up some of the heaviest Suffocation and Dying Fetus-style Death Metal on a six-song menu of destruction. After releasing the single track “Blood Drenched Torture Chamber” in May of last year they created quite a stir; collaborating with Venom Prison, Cryptopsy, and BloodBath just to name three. So, it isn’t like they don’t know what they’re doing, and A Celestial Beating is just what they deliver.

Beginning with creepy as fuck intro “Purgatory Precursor” they don’t take long to get into “Septic Savior” a beautifully crafted slice of soul-crushing Death Metal, and then just like a boot to the face “Shit Karma” comes in on a serpentine riff that makes the song ride with blasphemous malice.

The production of A Celestial Beating is immaculate, every chord and every instrument are tactically arranged in the mix to illicit maximum brutality. “Chemical Carnage” is another creepy as a hand on your foot in the middle of the night instrumental, it has this tinge of Industrial crunch that is welcome in this moment. “Dissection of Christ” tells the story of Jesus’ followers ripping him apart and works as a precursor to the madness of the title track. “A Celestial Beating” is like the hallway scene in Oldboy (fucking amazing movie if you haven’t seen it). Just a guy murdering a bunch of angry gangsters with a claw hammer.

So, do I love this album? Why yes, I do. I’m looking forward to a full-length because this EP is a fantastic slab of face ripping Death Metal, and if you like the collaborating bands, you will need a towel after listening to this beast.

[Visit the band's website]
Written by Jeremy Beck
October 6th, 2023

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