I cannot help myself. At the beginning of every year, there’s always an album I hear and say “GUYS! We already have an album of the year contender! Really, I swear!” It’s dumb. That’s not to say any of those albums haven’t merited the attention I’ve given them, but saying something will stand as the […]

Picture this: you find yourself in the hellscape of a charred and broken battlefield. You’re tired, bleeding from a nasty gash left in your ribs by a claymore you were only just lucky enough to avoid having split you in two. Vision is blurred, everything sounds echoed and distant. Desperately, you look in every direction […]

I’m gonna come right out and say right at the start – I agree with Hank Hill on a lot of fronts. Not all, of course – Arlen’s favorite son certainly has an irremovable stick up his ass about a lot of things that, really, are just silly. But when it comes to Christian Rock, […]

By this point ya’ll probably know my theory about the world of Traditional Heavy Metal, where bands do battle in my own mind in an attempt to claim the throne of Heavy Metal supremacy. Again, I will not apologize for my own stupidity, this is just who I am. But here’s the thing – in […]

The sky is blue. The sun rises in the East. Every “metal subgenre of the moment” is destined to become oversaturated and less exciting by virtue of its own popularity. These are basic and inalienable truths. I’m not arguing that something loses its appeal because it’s “more popular.” That argument is dumb. Popular things are […]

A lot is said about the element of surprise when it comes to war tactics. You catch an enemy sleeping, and the impact of your attack is likely to be that much more devastating. Of course, this principal isn’t solely applicable to warfare. Take, for example, Seattle Power/Traditional Heavy Metal outfit Greyhawk and their 2020 […]

OK, hands raised, who here predicted that the 2021 metal album of the year would come from a speed/power metal band called Ültra Raptör? Anyone? *crickets* Anyone?… No one?… Well I’ve got just one thing to say to all you doubters out there! THIS… is not the 2021 metal album of the year. You’re right. […]

This is hardly any kind of hot take, but I’m a friggin’ sucker for heavy metal with big, booming, powerful voices. The kind of voices that can slam you to the floor, take your lunch money and probably smear some dog poop or something in your face. A real dick move, but that voice owns […]

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Philadelphia’s Blazon Rite, it’s this: Absolutely NO ONE is gonna have more fun than these dudes. Certainly, the world of Heavy Metal is no stranger full blown, tongue-in-cheek fuckery, which is just as well. If you’re going to take yourself too seriously while writing songs about medieval, fantastical […]

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. We need to talk about this. As I’m sure you’re all well aware, the world of metal is often filled with dominating trends – a band will grab everyone’s attention and a specific subgenre will start blowing the hell up as record labels scramble to find the next best example. As […]

It’s always fun reading through the greetings that bands, promoters and labels write when sending out promotional materials. There’s a lot of “ETERNAL HAILS!” and “GREETINGS!” and “Dear media partners,” followed by some description like “born from the feral wastelands of Poland…” or superlative tropes like “the metal underground’s best kept secret…” yadda yadda yadda. […]

Here’s the deal. As I write to you, I’m fucking stressed. Aside from some of the normal holiday season bullshit, I’m also currently facing a reality where, due to a whole goddamn mess of circumstances, there’s a very strong chance I’m going to be working out of my car every other week for the foreseeable […]