Blessed By A Broken Heart
Pedal to the Metal

Every now and then a record comes along that is truly hard to describe to anyone, this is one such album. It is in fact not so much an album as an endurance test. This is something you listen to when you want to drive yourself over the edge in a bad way. I do not mean that this is a dangerous album, unless of course you are lactose intolerant. I am downright lactose hostile after this slab of limburger however. This is more of a compilation of the worst excesses that this young millennium has brought us so far. I know it can always get worse but I’ll be damned if I can think of how.

Imagine your average by the numbers 8th generation Gothenberg band and combine them with vocals that alternate between Speed Strid and really weak clean singing. Combine this with lyrics that Poison wouldn’t have been able to pull off with a straight face and the keyboards of Children of Bodom at their worst and you have something that is almost totally unlistenable. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the band name; it is rarely a good sign when a band name is also a complete sentence.

These guys like to chug a lot, in order to try and pass for heavy, however I see through their game quite easily. The song “Move Your Body” is the apex of awful as it had death growls, hand claps, techno beats and good Swedish shredding. The word clusterfuck doesn’t do this justice. Honestly guys just pick a game plan. Are you a mediocre melodic death metal band or are you glam rock? Stop trying to combine the two, it only agitates me, and not in a good way. Perhaps the best way to describe this would be The Darkness trying to make a numetal album. However the vocals are utterly unmemorable unlike The Darkness who you can’t forget no matter how many Newcastles you down in the attempt. There is nothing like trying to appeal to anyone who might have ever bought any kind of metal album and failing miserably. I am truly dumber and poorer for having heard this.

This was a very hard review for me, as I couldn’t listen to more than three or four songs at a time before I had to turn it off because I was going to kill myself just so I wouldn’t have to hear it anymore. I suppose if you like dumb fun metal this might be right up your alley but to me this is the definition of awful.

Erik Thomas hates me, that’s got to be the reason he sent me this one to review.

[Visit the band's website]
Written by Kyle Huckins
September 27th, 2008

Comments

  1. Commented by: vugelnox

    The intended audience for this band is hard to fathom. You would have to be woefully naive to find entertainment in something like this. Fortunately the audience for this and legitimately good music would have to be mutually exclusive. Nobody with taste enough to buy Gorguts, Mercyful Fate, Deceased, Hammers of Misfortune albums would be caught dead with this in their collection. Similarly nobody who loved this would have the first clue who any of the other four bands I mentioned even are and that is for the best.


  2. Commented by: PizzaClaus

    “Erik Thomas hates me, that’s got to be the reason he sent me this one to review.”

    hahahhahaha.


  3. Commented by: JW

    “Blessed By A Broken Heart” isn’t a complete sentence. But it is a terrible band name.


  4. Commented by: Staylow

    This sounds awful, just as the band name would imply.

    “Erik Thomas hates me, that’s got to be the reason he sent me this one to review.”

    Nice. :lol:


  5. Commented by: Kyle

    This album is proof I’ve mellowed over the years, previous webmasters often received death threats in the review. I still don’t think I did this level of awful justice with my words.


  6. Commented by: Belgarath

    haha great review. I’m curious to check this out, oddly enough.


  7. Commented by: Cynicgods

    Hahaha funny review, Kyle. I’d really like to hear this with friends while telling them it’s the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard. I will laugh my ass off.


  8. Commented by: Kyle

    You are a vicious bastard cynic, glad you’re on my side.


  9. Commented by: Fantomas

    These guys have over 100,000 friends on myspace which means either they’re somewhat popular, or have a lot of spare time to friend random people.

    By the way, the only way you could have made the review more heinous was to pass on your pain to the readers by quoting some lyrics. For example, I would have quoted some of the rather artsy passages from “Move Your Body”:

    “We came to rock your town
    To show you what it’s like to get down
    So turn it up, step it up, move your body right,
    And show us what you got before we ride into the night

    Rocking this hard never felt so good
    So move your body right like you know you should
    Throw your hands up into the air
    And wave them all around like you just don’t care

    Whoa! Keep your bodies moving to the rhythm of the beat
    Whoa! Keep your bodies moving, keep your bodies grooving”


  10. Commented by: Kyle

    I don’t hate myself enough to proofread that after typing it.


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