I'm Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It

Listen. I had something special planned for this review, a humorous (at least in my mind) montage of images telling a story of how bad this album is. However, first of, this band does not deserve that kind of time commitment (it would have been a bitch to do in wordpress), and second I haven’t had a cathartic, negative review, bitch out in a while, so this will be good therapy for me.

The thing is, I KNOW this kind of negative press is what the band and its fans will thrive off- just look at the album title. This train wreck of a band WANTS you to hate them, give them attention and ultimately spread the word how bad they are by posting reviews, youtube videos and such. So then part of me wanted to write an intentionally glowing review about how fucking awesome this CD – but I could not look my own daughter in the eyes or live with myself if I did that.

So the band is going to get what it wants – a terrible review, no, an awful, horrendous review.

For those that don’t know, BrokenCYDE are the poster child for a new fangled genre that mixes the two very worse genres of music ever to exist; it mixes the tired beats and misogyny of crunk or rap and the whiny, effeminate bullshit of screamo into one awful sonic enema that might in fact be the precursor to the apocalypse the Mayans predict in 2012.

Folks- I’ve been reviewing albums for about 8 years now at numerous print and online outlets. I estimated I have reviewed approximately 3000 albums, give or take a few, and this BrokenCYDE is the very worst album I have ever had the displeasure or reviewing. That’s right- worse than Striborg. Worse than Fear of Eternity. Worse than the 1000th Deathcore demo from a middle school band. Worse than any power metal. Worse than Hawthorne Heights. Worse than a bout of debilitating diarrhea. In truth- I would glady contract Dysentry, shit out all of my vital organs, then have them spoon fed to me than listen to this CD again. In fact, while I’m at it, here are some other things I would rather have happen than listen to this CD again:

Have unprotected sex with the entire monkey population of Africa, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton or Stiffy’s mom.

Perform Cunnilingus on Anna Nicole Smith’s exhumed corpse while having Michael Jackson’s missing prosthetic nose jammed up my ass by Courtney Love.

Have my daughter grow up and date an NBA player.

Consume a plate of biscuits and gravy, where the ‘gravy’ is supplied by Peter North, and Ron Jeremy and the biscuits are supplied by the stars of two girls/1 cup.

Fry 10 lbs of bacon while blindfolded and naked with a huge erection.

Have my genitals sandblasted then dipped in salt and lemon juice.

Eat an entire plate of toe and finger clippings gathered entirely from meth addicted hobos and Brazilian street urchins.

Get a Waking the Cadaver tattoo across my forehead.

Slowly eat myself covered in sour cream (those that know me will understand).

Have a VW beetle gradually inserted into my rectum piece by piece while Dane Cook provides commentary.

Watch The Fountain again.

Watch my grand parents have sex, in gimp oufits at a fetish ball.

Have a reality show on The Oxygen network called “Who’d like to fuck my wife with a jack hammer while I Watch”.

There. It’s that bad. It’s so bad, that while this turd resided on Ipod, whenever a track came on, blood start to pour from every orifice of my body, all the babies at the local hospital spontaneously combusted and God cried tears of mascara laced despair.

If “the kids” do in fact like this, I fear for the future of mankind, as the current flock of androgynous bitches who like stuff like this are set to run the world in a few years, I think the Mayans might be onto something…

[Visit the band's website]
Written by Erik T
July 29th, 2009


  1. Commented by: Stiffy

    You fucker!

  2. Commented by: slimylimey

    I was beginning to get worried that we hadn’t had a Stiffy’s Mom joke in while but I see you were just saving it for the best.

    Best. Review. Ever.

  3. Commented by: Hororo

    I strongly disagree : The fountain was a great movie.
    However, I can’t disagree with anything else in this review.

  4. Commented by: Lod Maiden


  5. Commented by: SLP Punk

    Strangely, I used the link after the review to go to the bands’ website, and what I heard brought tears to my eyes. I actually felt quite dejected. Your review is spot on…

  6. Commented by: gordeth

    At least they’re easy to ignore since they aren’t related to metal in any way. I guess sending it here for review was just part of their campaign to make everyone hate them?

  7. Commented by: corporatedemon


  8. Commented by: SerenityInFire

    That was just beautiful Erik, just beautiful. Have you ever though of compiling your reviews into a book? I’d definitely buy it.

  9. Commented by: LoftComplication

    Who did the review of Ill Nino or something quite awhile back and the review was like “ever wonder what Soulfly and Hed (pe) would sound like if they were combined? Yeah me either.”

    It may not be Ill nino but I remember laughing for awhile at that one.

  10. Commented by: Biff Tannen

    I second Hororo’s comment.The Fountain was indeed a great film, especially upon multiple viewings. That is a heavy,heavy flick.
    I have no idea who this band is, and I have no idea what ‘crunk’ is……but your list of preferable alternatives to hearing this album again was top knotch. Consider many of those lines stolen !

  11. Commented by: PizzaClaus

    I think we would do the world a great service by deafening and pulling out the voice box of any person who actually enjoys this band. Great review.

  12. Commented by: AARONIUS

    You mean this is worse than Hollywood Undead?

    It’s our fault you know. We all have to take the blame on this one. I know we all got the first records from Korn and Limp Bizkit. I realize we didn’t know back then that it would turn into this, that’s why I’m putting out this warning to all who like Deathcore. Please, let’s not let this thing take over………oops tooo late.

  13. Commented by: Stacy B.

    Glad you threw Striborg’s name in there as well…

  14. Commented by: Shane

    The biscuits and gravy thing was just disgusting. You are a vile man.

  15. Commented by: Erik Thomas

    yes- worse than Hollywood Undead.

  16. Commented by: Carlo D.

    Mission accomplished. Very nice high five!

  17. Commented by: Staylow

    I listened to this for about 30 seconds before I felt like my eardrums would explode – it’s definitely every bit as horrible as you say. Awesome review, you sick fuck. :lol:

  18. Commented by: gabaghoul

    wow look at all the talkbacks. I’m only writing funny reviews from now on

  19. Commented by: Red

    brutally honest review!! :)

    @ AARONIUS : .”..we all got the first records from Korn and Limp Bizkit”.
    Are you fucking mad?!?!
    First, how young do you think everybody that reads/posts here is? And if I had been young enough to be interested in those poor bastards, I hope I would still have been of the same opinion that my apparently old ass has and has had to this day.

  20. Commented by: loddylodlod

    Diss on one of the greatest movies EVER but thats ok cause that was a hilarious review. *claps*

  21. Commented by: gabaghoul

    first Korn album was pretty cool actually. definitely novel at the time – that was when bands like Orange 9mm and Deftones and Quicksand were starting to show up. I liked a lot of songs from Issues and Untouchables as well.

    Limp Bizkit was always lame (though I can’t deny that Nookie was pretty damn catchy).

    I hope I didn’t damage my cred by admitting all that :)

  22. Commented by: Reignman35

    Wow… yeah this is bad. And you didn’t even mention the album uh “artwork”… A turd on a plate? Holy shit I hope this whole band has their legs broken after their next show…

  23. Commented by: Shane

    Is that really the artwork or is Erik being funny?

  24. Commented by: Erik Thomas

    No thats not the Cd artwork – just me being facetious

  25. Commented by: Pj

    OK, so I HAD to click through to the band’s site, and … really? That’s real? That’s not a parody from SNL? OMGNOOOOOOO

  26. Commented by: AARONIUS

    @ RED No I’m not effing mad, and I’m sure if you were to show your cd collection to other people there would be something in there that you were once into that now might make you cringe a little.

    C’mon now be honest, we’re all friends here.

  27. Commented by: Erik Thomas
  28. Commented by: Red

    @ AARONIUS: good point, and no doubt you are right there. Though I’m not sure if any of my collection is as shitty as a Limp Bizkit release. :) Hopefully you didn’t take my comment to be as shitty as it could sound, because again you’re right, we’re all friends here.

  29. Commented by: Dimaension X

    Wait, this isn’t the new Linkin’ Park album. Sure sounds like it.

  30. Commented by: stiffy

    Oh jesus Christ and cakes!!! That cover is worse than the shit pile.

  31. Commented by: Staylow

    No, not the new Linkin Park. This is about 100x worse than anything Linkin Park could cook up. Seriously.

  32. Commented by: krustster

    haha, awesome. Reviews like this are usually pretty crappy but this one had be cracking up with laughter. Especially the part where all the babies at the hospital caught on fire from you listening to this album.

  33. Commented by: Nick

    Truly a terrible fucking excuse for music. We’re all doomed.

  34. Commented by: Blackwater Park

    I just checked out there Myspace and why bother? I mean seriously, why even bother to review this here? Its not even remotely related to the music any of your readers might be interested in, so who even cares?

  35. Commented by: Erik Thomas

    @ Blackwater Park:

    1) THEY sent it to me directly to review – so the review was their punishment

    2) Sometimes a writer just has to write a review like this to have a catharsis of all the crap we get to listen to.

    3) and to be honest – i knew it would get traffic and attention to the site

  36. Commented by: Chevalier Mal Fet

    “No thats not the Cd artwork – just me being fecesious”

    FIXED – Funny review

  37. Commented by: RectalSquid

    oh my fucking god. I just listened to their music on their myspace. It is honestly, the worst thing I have ever heard in my life. I’d take Hollywood Undead over these guys any day, and that’s not saying much considering Hollywood Undead is a completely useless band of whiny kids and wannabe Eminem rock stars.

    I can’t think of any other way to best describe this album than you did here Erik Thomas.

  38. Commented by: faust666


    I have tears in my eyes and a stitch in my side.
    If there is a God then I pray to him that the fags from Brokencyde get to read this someday.

  39. Commented by: Laura ♥ BrokeNCYDE

    Fuck that shit! by the way fuckie, its BrokeNCYDE! not BrokenCYDE! theyre the fuvking shit, BC 13 fureva xD

  40. Commented by: I♥BrokencydeBitchez

    You stupid bitch.Brokencyde is the best damn thing thats ever happened.Dont diss them jux cuz you dont like them.Dont talk shit if you dont no what any of it means.For some people this is how they feel and express there feelings.So go fuck off you cunt.STOP TALKIN SHIT YOU FAG.

  41. Commented by: Erik Thomas

    HAHAHAHAH. I just HAD to approve to two comments above for the comedy value. Ladies and gents i give you BRoKENCYDeS fan base…..

  42. Commented by: Derek

    Holy Shit I haven’t laughed this hard in a long long time, and the actual fan replies are definately the cherry on top!

  43. Commented by: Clauricaune

    I’m a latecomer to this review, but I want to say it’s simply brilliant (except for part where you trash The Fountain).

    Also, are you sure those fan replies aren’t gimmicks?

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