Troglodyte
Welcome to Boggy Creek

Hi there. It me Bigfoot.

I ready to come out and show self to public. Not because I need money but because I sick and tired of stupid beef jerky commercials. I so angry from ads make fun of Bigfoot that I write death metal album to show everyone I not hairy clown.

I get together with fellow Sasquatch to has band. We make new metal we call “neandercore.” It not anything to do with hardcore.

We learn old-school death metal from hiker tents we attack one night. Me not read album titles but they look old so we write songs like that. Not stupid new death metal with stupid pauses that make me take giant shit.

Me and gang find guitars and drums from van of hikers we kill and eat. Learn play real good and tight like young doe. You be surprised how tight and groovy we make death metal. I has great singing voice. It sound like you expect but I make many noises. Only few pig noises which not really pig, is moose. You see.

We keep songs short and change up way we play so not get boring. I inspired by double rainbow I see in sky one day so I add melody to make songs fun you listen to.

I name songs after things from Sasquatch life. I make “Beaten and Eaten” which about hikers who shit in my woods. Or “Skunk Ape Rape” which about normal Saturday night. I make “Mummified Yeti Hand” violent like albino Chinese ancestors who live far on snow mountain and fuck yaks.

One of favorite memories make me write “Fight For Your Life,” which about time I surprise couple in tent one night. I rip woman leg off. Then I beat boyfriend with bloody leg when he try to fight me. He sit in mud and cry. Then I bash head in with leg. I also write slower song called “Caught on Super 8” which about bad day I has when stupid family catch me on camera fuck deer. I make song slow and groovy like way I break all their bones.

Anyway you listen Bigfoot album, is much much better than you think from death metal album about Bigfoot. If you no like, I come hide in woods behind your house and have you like deer when you take trash out.

[Visit the band's website]
Written by Jordan Itkowitz
December 16th, 2011

Comments

  1. Commented by: Devils Lettuce

    HA! Excellent


  2. Commented by: KC Anthem

    Nice job. – Troglodyte Album Production Assistant


  3. Commented by: Apollyon

    Review of the year.


  4. Commented by: Evil In U

    I don’t know about the album even though I heard good things about it before but that review is top notch. LOL


  5. Commented by: Dimaension X

    Me want listen to loud musics. Me want sound good. Me go gives monies for musics. Mmmm. Musics. Loud good.


  6. Commented by: E. Thomas

    Jordan if you dug this (on a purely musical level), you need to listen to the new Jungle Rot and Vore albums


  7. Commented by: Jodi

    Yep, review of the year for sure.


  8. Commented by: noe

    like young doe’s asshole.”

    …wow, great review


  9. Commented by: Nick Taxidermy
  10. Commented by: Storm King

    My god, this review is made of pure win. I don’t know if I’d ever listen to the actual CD, but goddamn what a review.


  11. Commented by: Noe

    yea, this album totally rips, filled to the brim with groove, and wicked ass solos, all the fat has been trimmed, longest track is under 3:30…


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